


For Your Eyes Only

by TrashAYfanfiction



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Bittersweet, Cover Art, First Time, Inspired by Art, M/M, Photography, Pining, Romantic Soulmates, Side Story: Garden of Light, Spoilers, good memories, pre-GoL
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 16:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19727173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashAYfanfiction/pseuds/TrashAYfanfiction
Summary: Eiji has taken many pictures of Ash. None of them were ever meant to be shared. They were all in the moment, attempting to catch the essence of his presence. but now, with Ash gone, he felt compelled to share them, and show the man behind the killer. The man he loved...Though he didn't know how Ash would have liked the images being shared.





	For Your Eyes Only

**Author's Note:**

> better summary later. I'm in an area with little internet and I need to meet my posting date for RVBB. I LOVE NOCTASS'S AWESOME ARTWORK! This exchange has been so much fun. I love all of the wonderful people I've met in the Banana Fish fandom, it's been a truly unreal experience to share this wonderful series with so many people. You all have been a dream.
> 
> https://twitter.com/noctass/status/1148354523825524736

Skin on skin, hands touching. Hot breath in his ear. Bodies moving together.

“Oh god, I’ve wanted this.”

Nerves. Nerves on fire. Hands shaking, so afraid to touch, but an agreement to no longer deny what they had both wanted. Had been thinking about for far too long. Finally giving in. Hastily agreeing that _“this won’t change anything,”_ and that _“yes, this is okay. I want you so much.”_ Who said what didn’t matter. Few words were spoken after that.

Feeling he’d never experienced. Pleasures previously unknown. 

Moans of ecstasy. His body tumbling into a warm abyss.

Ash falling with him.

Panting. Breathless.

The blond clasping his hand, kissing him. Falling back into the pillows in a way that likely wasn’t meant to be coy. He clutched Eiji’s hand, stroking it with his thumb until green eyes drifted closed. Relaxed and breathless, an expression Eiji had rarely seen. Not an ounce of tension left. Calm sleep that tended to elude the blond, momentarily forgetting screaming of horrors he’d witnessed and committed.

Those horrors were real, but not in this moment. 

The sunlight graced peaceful angelic features, but the orange glow of the room was fading quickly. His chance to snap this picture was dwindling. The naked youthful man next to him…was so peaceful...

He would surely jump and flinch at the sound of the shutter. Glare up at the lens with a fury unknown to most men. A cornered animal.

It was best to inform him when photos would be taken. He had never ‘bitten’ Eiji, but Eiji knew how quickly the moment could be lost.

In this moment Ash was beautiful in an entirely conventional way. In this moment he was human. Not a wild animal. Not a demon. His blond friend’s deep breathing tickled his face.

The camera was tolerated, but it needed to be the right time. Jokes to break the tension of snapping pics when Ash was changing. Ash happily showing Eiji something, and therefore awarding a picture to commemorate it. ….or the tripod set up, timer going off, humoring Eiji.

More focused on Eiji than the camera.

Eiji didn’t want to imagine the demons Ash saw when he looked to the camera lens. Black, glossy, bulbous, domed glass. An unfeeling, harshly observing eye.Ash had described this to him before. Eiji wondered what Griff would have written after Ash had attempted to define the feeling. Ash had always said Griff was a poet. Max had said too.

Griff was no longer here. There were hardly any photos of him. He didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing; for Ash to rarely see images of his deceased brother. Eiji had never lost someone he loved…..

Ash looked so gorgeous. Peaceful. Angelic. Finally _normal_. He had just invited Eiji to share their bodies, something neither of them had ever expected to do. He never mentioned whether or not this was his first time ‘doing it with someone he loved’, but Eiji had his suspicions. 

A picture wasn’t worth killing this memory.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you,” Ash had whispered to him, the whisper that initiated this. A hug. Lips barely brushing his ear.

Hands on his back , gripping him close. Silently telling him to never leave.

“Don’t worry,” Eiji had replied, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Their intimacy had never led to this before.

……………………………………………………………

……………………….

He stirred, subconsciously holding onto Ash in his sleep.

It was the morning after, and while Eiji had stayed in bed until nearly noon enthralled by the feeling of a smooth naked body pressed into his, a morning erection was tempting him to try the experience again.

_Just one more time. It would be so good._

Ash grumbled and nuzzled into him. His body was so soft. Eiji felt a shiver go to his groin.

Ash’s hand clumsily teased his shaft, blunt fingers tapping at the head; playfully chastising. Murmuring that was likely a rude joke.

Ash smelled good, and Eiji clutched him closer. His hair was soft. He was so….. mmmmm.

Eiji lay there for hours entertaining his body, debating a crude joke to lovingly ruin the moment, but the opportunity never presented itself.

Ash tossed and turned, pulling the sheets with him.

Eventually the cold from lack of blankets and need for the bathroom forced Eiji out of bed.

Rousing himself he surveyed they mess they’d made.

Clothes strewn to the floor with haste, so tired of waiting. 

Always waiting. 

Always wanting.

He pulled on pajama pants and crept away, looking over his shoulder.

The blond man in his bed still blissful, tangled in sheets. Snubbing the daylight, refusing to be stirred by it’s prying. Ash would happily bask in the sunbeams in any time other time….

He stood in the doorway, camera around his neck.

Eiji decided to attempt catching the moment and risk jolting the blonde out of his languid slumber.

Just snapping a picture would have Ash at full attention. Adrenaline flooding his veins.

He bent over to kiss Ash first, slow, soft. A soft moan fed into his mouth, a hand sleepily but incessantly pulling him down.

They had only kissed a few times…. It was always so sweet and raw….

_They would only kiss those few times. It was like sparks and fire. His future self would continuously be chasing somebody who kissed like Ash…_

“I cannot stay in bed all day,” The Japanese man protested the arms encircling his body as he tried to climb away from the mattress.

“My legs are sore, we did it so much last night,” Whining, pouting, “You wore me out,” He guided Eiji’s hand to the soft expanse of his thighs…. Hips… hip bones curving, sheets dipping low… Eii’s mind wandered…. He pulled his hand away before touching Ash’s face.

“Then let me commemorate it,” He tapped the camera.

He could feel the blond flinch away as the camera bumped his chest. Eyes scanning the room for voyeurs he knew weren’t there. Reflex. Habit. But he was slowly growing out of it…. At least when Eiji was around.

“…..sure,” the words were forced, but the smile was genuine. It hadn’t broken the moment.

He grinned, letting the sheet slip farther. “But are you sure you would rather take pictures than try it again?”

_Something to remember this by._ Eiji readied the focus. “If I take a picture you will last forever,”

Ash blew him a kiss, setting a dramatic pose, sticking his chest out. “For your eyes only,”

A quick remark, a seductive playful thread masking one last plea.

_These images are only for you._

Eiji chuckled. The lens clicked.

………………..

He showed Ash the photo a few weeks later when it developed.

Smiling at the lens. Coyly teasing him. Relaxed. How Ash looked in all of Eiji’s images: various states of relaxation.

“You remember how nervous you were about my camera at first?”

“Yeah, but you’re so suave you won me over,” He ruffled Eiji’s hair, “Shitty English and everything.”

Ash rarely ventured into Eiji’s darkrooms.

…………………………………………..

Ash had let him take a lot of photos. Looking back, he was surprised, as he flipped through the yellowing photo albums.

So many images.

He remembered one of the first things Ash had said to him in regards to the camera; 

“Not the face.” 

At the time, he’d only thought of it in context to crime, being unidentifiable. It wasn’t until he learned of Ash’s past that his skin crawled thinking about the phrase.The more he learned about Ash’s history, the more he didn’t want to know. The man who was so kind to him, but was openly hostile to others, especially those he saw as a threat.

He’d asked Ash about this once.

_“I guess I never saw you as a threat. You look like a kid. I don’t think that face could hurt anyone,”_

_“I would not want to hurt anyone”_

_Ash chuckled, “I’ve never had that luxury. It’s always been kill or be killed. I rarely am virtuous,”_

He was thankful Ash trusted him, otherwise this image would have never been taken. Alluringly staring him down. Wrapped in sheets, naked from the aftermath of acts previously only associated with bad memories. The sunlight streaming in, their frantic mess in the background out of focus. 

He was not surprised about the photos when he first met Ash. The man was beautiful, so he was compelled to take pictures of him. He had never been as attracted to anyone before. Someone so beautiful and powerful; wild and free. He was jealous at first. He didn’t realize the effect he had on Ash until he saw Ash around other people.

Ash was wild, but careful. Totally different than the calm relaxed teenager reserved just for Eiji. Ash had only been callous at first, so minimally that Eiji sometimes forgot.

…………………………………

He trusted Eiji with these images.

Nobody was to know Ash Lynx had a heart. Ash had said he didn't want _“to be remembered as a victim”_ and _“I want people to be glad when I’m gone.”_

Eiji had tried to argue, but it fell on deaf ears. 

All the images were all supposed to be confidential. This image in particular was a sexy secret, documenting what they’d done. ‘Revealing the nature of their relationship’ seemed too crude, this was a rare private moment he had debated keeping to himself. Their relationship had rarely escalated to this point. Though, it did happen a few more times after the image was taken…. All beautiful, special, unique. Letting down the walls to their souls with an act that no longer seemed taboo or dirty.

It was really no different than the other pictures.

But he wondered what Ash would think seeing it on display; himself wrapped up in the 

sheets, confident, vulnerable….. but happy. That happiness is all Eiji had wanted to share.

This image of Ash in bed was just another image of Ash smiling. That’s what he told himself; it was no different.

This was the last image of Ash he had yet to show.

He’d shared some other sensual pictures before he shared this one. He’d taken a few on another morning. Another moment, after their post-coital bliss had worn off.

He’d shared other images of Ash wrapped up in the bed sheets, nuzzling the pillow as if it was his lover…. Saying it still smelled like his lover and mumbling to Eiji, _“If you won’t stay in bed, I can at least pretend you’re here.”_

A tender moment that made him blush compared to the juxtaposition of what they’d done last night. Marks were still visible this morning. Love bites and bruises. It was tantalizingly wild. Debauchery. Naughty things he’d only ever dreamed of or seen in magazines, nothing he’d ever imagined doing himself.

And Ash had let him. There was only a slight hesitation from the other man. Eiji blushed at the memory.

They had never filmed themselves, but Eiji was curious if they might have tried; to reclaim what was lost. He was aware most couples didn’t film themselves, and he would have never released _that_ as an art piece. But he was curious what would have happened. 

He was always surprised by how many seemed to know those details of the connection, despite never making it publicly explicit…. Apparently Ash and he had been laughably transparent. He’d begun to recognize it when he first began displaying Ash’s photos.

Nobody seemed shocked. The only thing that seemed to shock people was how Ash looked.

“He’s tame. I never thought I’d see that. I don’t know whether to compliment you or not,” Nadia said, standing beside Charlie, her belly swollen with child.

Ibe gave tentative compliments about his work; comments on how Eiji had surpassed him and what it must be like to be inspired. His voice was sad though, as if he was worried the inspiration would run out when the memory of Ash was gone. Eiji told him Ash would never be gone: Ibe seemed to look even sadder at that.

Max would horribly tease him about the sexy images he published, “So that’s what you two were doing,” A brotherly clap on the shoulder shaking his small frame.

Eiji would blush.

…..It was really like that wasn’t it?

Him and Ash….

He received a note from Blanca in his mailbox. He unfolded the crisp paper. Typed font read:

“Little bird,

I’ve had the pleasure of viewing your most recent gallery exhibition. I’m glad to see you are moving forward. Your work is beautiful. Ash would be as proud of you as I am.

Thank you for taking care of him, you gave him peace.

…P.S. You should really lose the ponytail, it doesn’t become you.”

Eiji smiled. The short message, that his work was able to reach such an elusive person. He wondered how retirement had been treating the ex-hitman. …if he was able to stay retired or if his past caught up with him…..

He wished he could have seen Blanca in person, or at least replied to the letter, but there was no return address--It was like chasing a shadow. 

He seemed to be chasing a lot of shadows these days.

Ash was also a shadow. 

He supposed most people chased intangible things. Ash had been fascinated by the ‘top of the mountain’, _The Snows of Kilimanjaro_ beckoning him like a siren’s song.

‘ _You stupid leopard, why did you go where I can’t follow? What did you think it would accomplish? ’_

For a whiled Eiji wondered if he would climb the mountain in search of Ash, higher and higher away from everybody else. Death seemed inviting, but that was all that was at the top of the mountain. 

He decided against it. 

Eiji knew death was Ash’s goal. He knew Ash saw himself as too dangerous to live, but Eiji wanted to change that. 

In a way, the letter from Blanca opened the wound. In the back of his mind, he still hoped Ash had ran away with the man.

Denial, despite Sing and Max identifying the body. He hadn’t made it back from Japan in time for the funeral. Noone had even told him until they were ‘sure’. He wished he had been the first to know…but what would he have done about it? 

He still wanted to believe.

“You stupid leopard……” Tears slipped down his face.

He’d rushed back to America as soon as he heard. It couldn’t be true, not again. This was a trick…

Ash was supposed to get away. Even if they wouldn’t be together, he’d wanted Ash to get out of this.

_“I could never forget anyone like you,” Ash’s lips on his cheek, “You’ve been so kind to me,”_

_“Be kind to yourself,” is what he’d told Ash._

_The younger boy chuckled, “It will catch up to me eventually. Nowhere I go will be safe,”_

But it’s in the past now…. Everything is a memory, even if bittersweet.

He knew death was the escape Ash idolized, the only peace that was permanent.He was still coming to terms with what he thought of that—If he forgave the wounded soul for leaving.

Ash was hurt, but never broken; at least that’s what Eiji had believed.

Eiji had even collaged together the blurry images he had of Ash before showing this image. Ash not holding still, either playfully chasing down the camera, or ruining what would have been a beautiful candid shot by seeing Eiji in the corner of his eye last moment and making a silly face. The blond smudge in the frame was still unmistakable…. _his_ Ash.

He had never thought of Ash as _his_ until after the man’s death, but now he was the only one with the photographs. 

He had almost the sole responsibility in regards to whether or not the world saw Ash Lynx again. If they would remember him as the ruthless killer or if they were allowed to see what Eiji did…

He could keep Ash to himself if he chose. His friend. Or more than his friend, whatever that meant. As if there was something about sex that made someone more important than a good friend. He’d wanted to avoid Ash being his, though he felt honored the man had chosen him as one of the few he trusted. 

Ash had been owned by enough people.

Eiji never wanted to be the only one with his pictures.

He didn’t cry as often anymore, thinking about it.

At first he hated looking at them. It reminded him of things he’d rather not think about.

After he debuted ‘Dawn’ he couldn’t restrain himself. The joy on Sing and Akira’s faces as they saw the image…. The joy reflected on so many other people’s faces. The tender looks. They cared about Ash, or at least about the picture. He was proud that his work accomplished that reaction, but he was curious if anyone who’d gotten to know Ash would have been able to do the same.

But Ash’s face when he, himself, saw the images...

Those green eyes softening. Stroking the image, and Eiji fighting the urge to tell him to keep his grubby American fingers off the prints.

Eiji had been so hesitant to show him, but felt obligated. Ash rarely snooped around his darkroom. He wanted to prove he had nothing to hide.

_“I’ve never looked like that in an image before,” Ash said breathlessly. Every time. Always the same._

_“Not even at home?”_

_Ash laughed, “Do you think my dad took many pictures of us? That baseball picture you saw was taken by my coach. And do you think Dad’s girlfriends would take pictures of some other woman’s children?”_

_Eiji hesitated. This was tender ground, “Jennifer seemed nice,”_

_“Jennifer was around after.” A harsh grin, then, “I used to smile for my coach…”_

_“Don’t,” Eiji held up his hand. They weren’t going there. Exploring that avenue of self-hatred never helped anything. The self-pity…. The guilt. It didn’t help anything._

_“I like me in your images,” Ash breathed, “I didn’t think I could. They’re the only ones I don’t want to burn,”_

_Eiji held the blond to him, breathing in his scent. “I like you,” The taller man tensed before relaxing into his touch. His cheeks tingled with warmth._

They never showed these pictures to anyone, despite happily sharing other pictures of the gang amongst themselves. Nobody saw Ash smile like that. He only smiled at Eiji. 

…………………………………………………………….

He wondered if it could have been anyone Ash opened up to.

_Sing reminded him that he’d become relatively acclaimed and established before he published Ash’s pictures….. when they were locked away in a box he couldn’t bear to look at…._

_Eiji argued that Ash was the only reason he cared about photography. It was just something he fell into after he could no longer jump. That Ibe wanted to save him from the depressive abyss._

_“It is you, you know?” Sing said, “You have an eye for people and feeling their emotions. It’s apparent in your work, it’s not just Ash.”_

_Sing would always swallow and chew his tongue at this point in the conversation, hesitant to say more perhaps due to machismo or the fear of taunting the darkness that Eiji fell into when thinking too hard on the past, “Your pictures of Ash are strong from both sides. Both you and him are in tune with the moment. When I look at those images, I see just the two of you. Even when other people are present around me, or in the images. It’s just a connection between you two,”_

_Eiji laughed, “I’m glad you’re a businessman. You’d make a bad counselor and you’re bad at explaining art.” Eiji shoved his hands in his pockets, smile a little too forced._

_Sing would brush him off and look away, before looking back trying to hide his transparent expression, “I hope you find somebody who can make you feel like that again. Seven years is a long time to be lonely.”_

_Eiji didn’t answer right away, his voice croaked. “I am happy, but I will always miss him. Nobody can replace anybody else.”_

_Sing would pretend he didn’t see the tears, then try to set him up on a date with a man; mostly lip service at this point. Eiji’d had a brief string of men he’d tried using to quell his pain; to no avail. Sing worried he may stay single forever, but Eijihad a dog and had just picked up a stray kitten. With the two animals he wasn’t alone._

Eiji was always good at finding those who needed him.

Sing was worried about Eiji. Eiji didn’t accept help.

So many people cared about Ash during his life but Ash was never able to realize it; Eiji, Max, Alex, Kong, Bones, and the other boys, Jessica, Charlie and Jenkins. All had tried to help him. They had never given up on helping him.He could just never escape. He didn’t know how to accept the help. He ran away. He continued to climb the mountain away from the pain.

He worried that Eiji might fall down the same path.

It may have been a well founded worry.. Sing kept a close eye on him, but he would eventually move on. Life moved on.

These pictures of Ash stayed the same.

_This_ picture was that perfect moment in time.

One that would never happen again.

And Eiji knew that, that’s why he had desperately wanted it. Ash leaving had always been in the back of his mind, but even without tragedy certain things only happened once.

The hormones of love. The warmth. The feeling. The calm sensuality. His sleepy lazy partner who made his heart flutter……

It was taken under an agreement that this would never be shown to anybody else.

This was supposed to be ‘for your eyes only’.

This picture was never supposed to be in a gallery. It was taken with a promise. Ash had bit his lip flirtatiously while negotiating the terms, but Eiji could see the wariness in his green eyes. The hesitation. The want to run.

“ _For your eyes only_.” Ash whispered, ghosting his fingers over himself, inviting Eiji back to bed. Tempting him to forego the camera and indulge in something more finite, he posed for his lover. 

The shutter clicked.

The last picture of Ash… There would not be any more.

Was this betraying his trust to share it? Eiji still didn’t know. It was erotic, but was it exploitative? Maybe the critics would shame him, or Ash’s ghost….. He’d just want to show it, the person he cared about. Maybe Ash would understand, wherever he was.

“I think it’s nice,” Sing put an arm on his shoulder, Akira at his side. “Are you going to move on now?”

“I’ve moved on long ago. It doesn’t mean he’s not still important,”

**Author's Note:**

> I feel this kind of summarizes my current stance on processing BF as a series. It'll always be in my heart, even if i'm not always thinking of it. Again, Thanks to Noctass!!!


End file.
